Tuesday, August 08, 2017

On The Rox- Jealousy

Jealousy is an ugly emotion, probably the most useless emotion humans have and it is one of the most destructive emotions- if not THE most destructive emotion.

I used to be a jealous person, not necessarily towards others in general but when it came to relationships. It drove me crazy. Then one day I realized, it served no purpose other than to hurt me and my relationship. I couldn't control anyone, I couldn't change my significant other's actions. If a person is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Being a crazy jealous girlfriend or wife isn't going to change that. So I let it go. And I've been better for it ever since.

I've consciously made an effort to never be jealous of anything after that. Not of what others have. Not of what other's achieve. Nothing. No jealousy. I will not be ruled by envy. 

I am supportive of successes, I work to raise up my friends, acquaintances and co-workers. I support authors, artists, businesses and bands that I appreciate as well as the businesses of my friends.

What someone else has does not take away what I have. Someone else's success does not diminish my own or take away my chance for success. Only I can do that by focusing on what I don't have instead of what I do. 

If a person is so busy worrying about someone else's garden they'll never have time to tend their own. That is jealousy. Being envious of the neighbor's pretty rose bushes but never bothering to plant your own.

Some people will take that jealousy to a destructive level, so consumed by the green eyed monster that they destroy the neighbor's garden. They destroy the beauty someone else so lovingly created, eradicated something that meant so much to their neighbor...out of jealousy.

Instead of investing in their own garden, taking the time and energy to build something beautiful for them self, they made it a mission to destroy someone else's joy.

Why? It serves no purpose other than to be hateful and destructive.

Did that destruction give them a beautiful garden, did it give them the thing that made them so jealous? No, it simply created pain.

I recently discovered that I, and my family, have been the target of someone's destructive jealousy. I don't know who it is. I have some ideas. It could be someone from my past, a wrong I may have committed in my wayward youth when I was not so conscious of my actions. It could be someone in the book world jealous of my business success. It could be someone in the witchy community who views me as a threat. Or it could be someone close to me that I consider a friend, but obviously isn't.

When I first found out I was dumbfounded. My first thought was- "Who would be jealous of me?", "Why?"

I suffer from chronic conditions that have made life difficult. Fibromyalgia, migraines, PCOS, and autoimmune disorders have filled my body with pain and discomfort. Some days are so hard I can't even move around the house. Are they jealous of my immobility?

Vitiligo has turned my skin into a patchy mess of discoloring. ("Vitiligo is an autoimmune skin disease in which there is a progressive destruction of the skin's pigment-producing cells, resulting in areas of otherwise normal white skin devoid of melanin pigment.") Are they jealous of my blotchy skin?

I live a simple life in a small house in Flint, MI. I don't live a grand rich life full of luxury. I simply don't understand what there is to be jealous of.

Unless it is the sheer simplicity and contentment of my life. A husband who loves me, three amazing kids, a job I love, a business I created...

These things didn't come easy. It's been a long road full of daily struggles. The insanity is there, under the surface. No life is without pain. My life has been filled with more pain than I ever let on, because I don't share my rough history or my path that led me to this moment. Because it is mine. 

My life is mine and I worked damn hard to get to where I am.

For someone to threaten it all, to try and destroy it all....

My life has nothing to do with anyone else.  What I have was not taken from anyone else.

What I do does not diminish your own success. Please stop meddling in my life. 

Plant your own damn garden and don't worry about mine. If you have a garden, then tend to it. You will be surprised at what can grow when you put forth a little effort. Just remember you reap what you sow.

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