Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Top Ten Risqué Quotes from Six of One, a Tudor Riff

When I first visited Roxanne’s Realm in preparing for my blog tour, I couldn’t help but notice that it was a happy home for literature that was on the erotic side. ‘Six of One’ is a historical comedy, and can’t boast much in the way of the erotic.  It does, however, have its share of saucy, sexy, and sassy dialogue.  So, for all you sexy people out there…my Top Ten Favorite Risqué Quotes from ‘Six of One, a Tudor Riff’.

On the question of size mattering

‘“Your Cleva reminds me of one of our earlier lady guests, Dolly. Mistress Ava Gardner was so worldly and such a beauty! She told us that her favorite husband, Francis Albert, weighed one hundred and ten pounds, and that one hundred of those pounds were…you know. I always wondered how he could stand upright, let alone walk.” No doubt about it; Jane Seymour hadn’t just fallen out of the stupid tree; she had hit every branch on the way down.

I always wondered how—well, never mind what I always wondered!” said Catherine Howard.

“Size isn’t everything, you know,” said Anne of Cleves.

I have always been a firm believer that size does matter but was willing to concede that there could be mitigating factors.’

A Little Something Both Fast and Loose

‘If implants came with odometers, Kitty’s would probably have been reaching the hundred-thousand-mile mark around then.’

The Scoop on The Other Boleyn Girl from her sister, Anne.

‘Codpieces were all that my sister Mary was interested in.’

A word on Tudor foundation garments.

‘“It wasn’t just your son who appreciated your efforts. Everyone at court spoke highly of you. Everyone, that is, except the Spanish ambassador.”

“The Spanish ambassador? What had he to say?”

“He said that you reminded him of a Spanish farthingale because you were—pardon my language—‘hard-assed and difficult to get around.’”

“The Spanish ambassador, faugh! The man was like a padded codpiece—all puffed up, but really small stuff on the inside.”

“The king didn’t like the man either. So obsequious! He said the Spanish ambassador was like his doublet and hose—always up his ass.”

I am sure you know, gentle reader, how it is when you just cannot smother a laugh. Even if you manage to maintain silence, the spasms give you away. My cover was blown, and the long night was about to begin in earnest.’

Aaaaand Another Word on Tudor Foundation Garments

‘“Perhaps it was Francis Dereham, then? He was the boy fiancé you jilted when marriage to Henry loomed large. It would have been just like ‘Lyin’ Eyes.’  The rich, old man, the fiery boy, the falling together…”

“I had several grass-stained bumrolls to show for the times Dereham and I fell together—and one other thing, as well.”’

A Special Delivery

‘“Then perhaps the love of your life was Thomas Culpepper. The attractions of a simpatico young man when your husband is old enough to be your grandpa would be considerable. It would be just like The Postman Always Rings Twice.”

Catherine informed me that my second guess was also in error. “Wrong on Culpepper being the love of my life, Dolly, but spot on about his ‘postman’—to use your word for it—always ringing twice. In fact, three or four times was not unusual.”’
Mountin’ of Love?

‘“Then guess, Dolly, why I was an untouched wife, relict of an unconsummated marriage—like a beloved sister, and nothing more, to Henry VIII.”

Since political correctness was not around in Tudor times, Henry VIII had blamed it squarely on the woman before me being a “Flanders mare.” He alleged that Anne had flabby breasts and belly, and that these were insurmountable—or should I say “unmountable”—obstacles to consummation.’

The Gaydar Quote

‘“The guest that Jane Seymour has misquoted, Dolly, was called Mistress Marlene Dietrich. Contrary to what I am sure you are thinking, Mistress Marlene understood my situation quite well. You see, she was a lesbian, too.”’

 Wick-ed Ways

We stole away every day, sometimes twice a day, whenever and wherever we could, to do the deed.”

“You burned the candle at both ends.”

“Well, yes. Tom thought it would increase my chances of conceiving if he did not limit himself to taking me from the front.”

Way too much information, Jane!”

“Pardon my waxing nostalgic.”

“Pun intended?”

What pun?”

“Never mind.”
Burning Love

‘“I entrusted them to the care of an Italian priest, one Father Carbonariis. He had quite the crush on me as well, back in the day, but he was a man of the cloth, so we never pursued it.”

“You preferred your admirers afar to afire, didn’t you, Margaret?”

“I wouldn’t say I preferred them that way; quite the opposite, in fact. But I had a job to do, and men are of a lot more use all whipped up than they are basking in afterglow.’

I hope you enjoyed basking in a little Tudor afterglow from ‘Six o One’.  It’s the most fun you can have with your nightdress on!

November 18 Spotlight
Quill or Pill

November 19 Guest blog and review
Aly @ Aly's Miscellany 

November 20 review
Paranormal Romance Fans for Life

November 21 Interview
The Creatively Green Write at Home Mom

November 22 spotlight
Pick Your Poison Book Reviews

November 25 Interview
Pembroke Sinclair.  

November 26 Guest blog
Roxanne’s Realm

November 27 Spotlight and review
fang freakin' tastic reviews

November 29 guest blog and review
Sunshine &Mountains Book Reviews - 

December 2 interview and review
A Chick Who Reads

Six of One, a Tudor Riff
JoAnn Spears

Genre:  Historical fiction, satire, women's fiction, chick lit, alternative history, historical fantasy


Number of pages:  304
Word Count: 79,000

Book Description:

“Six of One” is the ultimate ‘girls’ night in’…with the six wives of Henry VIII. It’s the most fun you can have with your nightdress on!  Join Dolly, the Tudor-obsessed heroine of “Six of One”, on a Yellow Brick Road journey to the alternate reality of an all-girl Tudor court.

It all begins when Dolly loses consciousness on the eve of her marriage to the six-times- divorced Harry.  She awakens in the company of the Tudor women she’s studied all her life. They have a mission to accomplish, and Dolly may be just the girl who can help them do it.

As a warm-up to her life-changing interview with the six wives of Henry VIII, Dolly gets to dish with lots of the other fascinating females of the Tudor era. She learns things she never guessed about the Princes in the Tower from their sister, Elizabeth of York…Henry VIII’s mom.  She talks sex with Henry’s sisters and scholarship with his daughters. She even gossips with the help, since Kat Ashley and Bess of Hardwicke are among the ladies on hand.

Of course the heart of the story is in Dolly’s interview with the six wives of Henry VIII. It turns out there’s something to each of the wives’ stories that’s been held back all this time.  You won’t believe what really happened…or will you?

“Six of One” offers no tragedy, no excuses, and no apologies. It does have lots of broad humor, not to mention tons of puns. And—for a change—a happy ending

About the Author: 

JoAnn Spears spent a lot of time trying to figure out whether she wanted to major in English or History in college.  Life stepped in, and she wound up with a Master’s Degree in Nursing instead.  A twenty-five year nursing career didn’t extinguish that early interest in books and history. It did however stoke a decidedly gallows sense of humor.

The story of the six wives of Henry VIII was JoAnn’s favorite piece of history.  She read the classic variations and the feminist variations, the tragic spins and the vindicating spins.  She witnessed the success of the pop culture, soft-core Tudor offerings of recent vintage. It occurred to her that the one thing that hadn’t been brought to a full length novel about the Tudors was a gallows sense of humor. The Tudors certainly qualified for it, and JoAnn had plenty to spare.

The first ‘real’ book JoAnn ever read was “The Wizard of Oz”.  She returned to the Yellow Brick Road for inspiration for a new kind of Tudor novel, and “Six of One” was born.

“Six of One” was begun in JoAnn’s native New Jersey. It was wrapped up in her new Smoky Mountain home in northeast Tennessee, where she is pursuing a second career as a writer. She has, however, obtained a Tennessee nursing license because a) you never stop being a nurse and b) her son Bill thinks she should be sensible and not quit her day job.

While “Six of One” is a different kind of historical fiction novel, JoAnn is a downright stereotypical lady author.  She admits to all of the cats, flower beds, needlework, and obsessive devotion to Jane Austen and Louisa May Alcott that you’d expect.

Twitter:  @joannspearsrn

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joann spears said...

So happy to pit-stop at Roxanne's Realm!